Everyone deals with shortcomings about their self-esteem or self-image. How they perform at work, at home, in relationships, in their personal or public performances, whether they feel worthy or unworthy. At one time or another, if not repeatedly, everyone has some issue with their self-esteem, but in this struggle, has there been any concern about self-esteem versus faith?
When it comes to faith, it is a matter where each person must take account of themselves and evaluate the nature and degree of their self-esteem and then see how this affects their faith.
Faith is the expression and act of love, devotion and obedience to God and for him. It is the trust in his will and trust that he will help and bless. Faith is also the expression of oneself to God, the who and what we are. In this expression of oneself comes the value of oneself. This personal value is the gift that we, as sons and daughters of God, give to God.
IN the scriptures God speaks about the value of how we give a gift where he said, “Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver.” (1 Cor 2.9:7). Gods speaks of the value of the heart and mind in things that we give to him and to others. Giving our faith grudgingly, is not faith at all. To exercise the commandments of God because you believe you have to, what value is this to God and his kingdom?
The value which we give to God through the medium of faith is something that we truly need to evaluate constantly. As easily as Jesus Christ addressed a believer for his failure to understand personal value (Luke 9:62), where the believer said that he wanted to return to his home to bid them farewell and Jesus addressed his lack of faith telling him, that he is unfit for the Kingdom of God by “looking back”. That man was finding reason not to be faithful. The same is found in the description of the event in Luke 14:18, how making excuse to one’s faith is a sorry state to God and is unacceptable.
What we give in our faith to God is paramount to our salvation. The giving is a manner of gift which is of value or not and this value is affected by self-esteem, which will either spiritually devalue that person and faith or increase his/her spiritual value and faith. Allow me to explain.
A person with low self-esteem will have the tendency to not care for him/herself in some way or in many ways. They cannot “care for oneself” enough to do anything of “value” for themselves. It is common to see how a person with low self-esteem feels that he/she cannot do this or that or will not do it because they fear being at fault, or wrong, or doing a poor job, or has nothing to give, etc. All of these are statements from the core of low self-esteem. The presence of low self-esteem causes a person to devalue themselves in the world, against things of the world and thusly, will do the same spiritually in faith.
Self-esteem issues affects faith and the ability to understand the doctrines of God. For example, low self-esteem where a person feels poorly of him/herself because they are not loved or accepted for what they are. Going into Christian-hood, such a person will have the tendency to seek scriptural references that fit to their lack of self-esteem, even modify them to fit, only to make God always a loving God that never judges and accepts them for what they are no matter what.
With low self-esteem, the tendency is to devalue oneself and thus, this devalued mindset will tend to do things that are spiritually wrong or even sinful. This is the “harming oneself” trait of low self-esteem. So as they profess that God loves them as they are, they continue to spiritually degrade themselves by way of spiritual error or sin, becoming blind to their state of contradiction as they continue to believe that God accepts their sinful state because he is suppose to accept him or her the way they are.
In short, the attempt to use self-esteem issues as a basis for their faith and manner of faith fails them because they have degraded themselves before God and then, how can God accept such a degraded gift of faith?
Another cross that isn’t always visible but that on occasion can be very heavy and worrisome is the lack of self-esteem — a continuing unwillingness to accept oneself. Can you find it in your heart to once in a while give yourself a “good grade” on your behavior? Or do you give yourself low marks no matter what you do? Self-condemnation and low self-esteem are heavy crosses.
Sometimes, in solitude and in humility, you must be your own advocate. Sometimes you need to be the one who refuses to condemn yourself.
Being “down on oneself” is a destructive situation. If we bear this kind of cross, we may reach the levels we expect of ourselves. What a cross—to convince ourself that we are no good, and that we can’t do it or can’t make it! But by lifting that cross, we can become more than we would have been had we not been required to carry it.
Some of us spend too much time protecting our wounded selves. Wishing that we were some other person with greater talents and greater strengths is a handicap. It is also a cross to bear when we fail to realize that, with God’s help, we can accomplish much.
- Marvin J. Ashton, “Carry Your Cross,” Ensign, Feb 1988, 69
Is it not true that we cannot please God without faith? As we degrade our faith, how can that please God? Is it not also true that a person will receive back the very thing their faith gives, saying “What faith gives, so shall it receive?” (this is based on what we sow, so shall we reap – Galatians 6:7)
God is a loving God and he is also very wise. He does not want us to degrade ourselves in any way, not even by low self-esteem. He wants us to learn how to have perfect self-esteem in humbleness. God knows how bad self-esteem affects our faith because it negatively affects our minds and hearts and that is where faith comes from. Low self-esteem is the place that Satan has control, because a person with low self-esteem chooses to be in a state of “no self-power” to help oneself out of a pit. If Satan finds comfort in our state of low self-esteem, then is it right to say God does also?
“I am currently grasping for understanding of this disorder, which I think is one manifestation of women’s low self-esteem imposed by our society. It is Satan at work. At the moment, her body image, imposed by the world, has control. Does she understand that the most important image she should have of herself is that of a holy temple endowed with the power and love of God? Does she understand that she should do nothing to desecrate her temple? I have not taught her this truth with enough consistency and clarity. Would it make a difference if I had?”
I pondered the anguish and heartbreak of this father. He loves his precious daughter. This is happening to many of our young women. You must not let Satan reduce your feelings of self-worth. Don’t let the world pull you off course. Our Heavenly Father loves each of you and wants you to return home, but He will not remove your agency. You must do your part and be steady in making correct choices.
Satan’s desire is for you to not know where you are and to not check in to confirm your location. He is the father of lies and will do all possible to lure you into his cunning snare. His desire is to throw enough immediate pleasure your way that you never even worry about where you are. He even causes you to have moments of discouragement or lack of faith.
- W. Craig Zwick, “Taking the Higher Road,” Ensign, Aug 2002, 42–47
Good self-esteem is the gift of goodness we place into giving service or charity to others. The spirit of good self-esteem ensures that what we give, spiritually speaking, is of a high value. Think about it. A person who enters your life, even for a short time and has good self-esteem is a person whose contribution proves to be stupendous. You feel lifted and happy.
A person who has good self-esteem cares for him/herself and shows it by how they carry themselves in life. In how they appear physically and how they express spiritually. The gift that they give so willingly is their good self-esteem and they radiate in life because of it.
Be aware now, I do not speak about pride or vanity for these things are not part of good self-esteem. To feel good about oneself is based on the principles from the gospel which are contracted into one’s own personality and character. The principles of charity, goodness, purpose, diligence, temperance, patience and of course, “Love”. Do you not see the value this has to self-esteem?
There is a definite importance to upgrading self-esteem, to see the value and place of it in our lives and in our faith. To see that what we do with our self-esteem would either allow us to spiritually grow or stagnate. The importance of what I say may not be realized by those who read this and suffer from low self-esteem, so allow me to use the following analogy.
Let us say that you own a house and property. What would you do to that possession? Would you fix it up, make it look good, tidy, etc? Would you feel good doing this and invite others to your home?
Let us now say that a person who does none of these things, lets the house and property go (inside and out), not cut the grass, pull the weeds, etc, soon this house and property becomes very untidy, unkempt and degraded in value and appearance. Will friends be willing to enter this home or even stay long? What happens if the kitchen remains dirty, nothing cleaned and you want friends over for dinner? Will they come or even stay after seeing the state of affairs in that home?
Let us now reason this out. If a person believes in the value of keeping a house well (inside and out), clean, tidy, not only for themselves but others who visit, then where is this same belief for themselves? If they are willing to do this for their home, why can’t they also do the same for themselves? If they feel good to have a good home, that for all purposes is clean, tidy and welcoming in appearance, then they can also feel good when they exercise the same value on themselves.
That speaks about self-esteem. The willingness to keep oneself up as much as keeping our homes up. This makes sense, because the body is the home for the spirit and if this home is degraded because of low self-esteem, then so shall the spirit be affected the same way. In this God weeps.
What of intimate relationships called marriage? What happens to this marriage when a spouse lives in low self-esteem? What can this spouse give to their mate and the marriage from a state of low self-esteem?
The appeal between husband and wife becomes stressed when one accepts low self-esteem as part of their personality and character and then expect the significant other to accept them as they are. This is not only unfair to the other in the marriage, it is also unjust for that spouse who harbours low self-esteem. The emotional and psychological burden and stress increases because the one with low self-esteem will tend not to care what this does to the other. How can they care when they do not care about themselves, yet they end up expecting the other to sustain or boost their low self-esteem. It becomes a one way relationship. Nothing of value given by one and the other expected to carry the load. Eventually the marriage breaks down because one spouse cannot carry the whole marriage, it is impossible. The low self-esteem spouse will eventually pull away because of the inability to sustain him/herself in the relationship, even to the point of making low self-esteem justifications in the words of, “I can’t do this anymore”, “you are better off with someone better”, “you don’t love me as I am” (and the list goes on).
They had been married for thirteen years and had five children. Things had gone smoothly in their marriage—but then Phil unexpectedly lost his job. After several discouraging months of job hunting, he began to feel something was wrong with him.
As time passed, his discouragement started to affect other areas of his life. He began blaming the Lord for not helping him—and his prayers and scripture study suffered. His church attendance dropped because he felt that everyone was against him. The more he rebelled, however, the worse he felt about himself.
Home life suffered, too. Feeling that he was failing his family, he began spending less time at home in order to avoid Karen and the kids. When he was home, he usually lost himself in front of the TV.
Karen didn’t know how to help. Every time she tried to talk to him about it, he interpreted what she said as a put-down, and they usually ended up arguing.
Finally they decided they’d better go to their bishop for help. It wasn’t hard for the bishop to recognize that Phil’s low self-esteem was a major part of the problem. “Low self-esteem can wreck a marriage,” he told Phil, “because the feelings we have about ourselves usually determine the way we feel about others. If we don’t love ourselves, it’s impossible to show much love for anybody else—especially our spouse.
“Now, you may be expecting me to give you a secret cure for low self-esteem,” he continued. “But I’ve discovered that the best remedy is found right in the gospel. The only secret is that it’s been here all along and many of us don’t see it.”
-Terry R. Baker, “How Gospel Truths Enhance Self-esteem in Marriage,” Ensign, Jul 1984, 19
The same points I made about the affect on marriage apply to faith and a relationship with God. The person with low self-esteem will not care as much for God because they cannot or will not care for themselves as they should. In the relationship with God, faith becomes stressed, eventually breaking down, not from God’s part, but from the person’s part because low self-esteem cannot sustain itself properly in a relationship.
As a result of this failure in the relationship of faith, some eventually give up because they feel it was a waste of time or not worth it anymore. They feel that they are not accepted as they are or they are upset because their self-esteem could not bear the higher responsibilities that good faith requires, since their low self-esteem is always degrading their part in it and degrades them. It does become a vicious cycle, a rut that seems hard to leave.
What can these people do?
As God does love them, as any good spouse can also, both can support them on the road to good self-esteem but the key turning point is the choice and willingness to be “self-committed” to personal change and stop expecting others to do it for them. To begin caring for oneself. This can begin in personal grooming habits and practices for a start,
“A simplified life that brings spiritual blessings requires the wearing of simple and modest clothing. Our dress and grooming send a message to others about who we are, and they also affect the way we act around others. When we are modestly dressed, we also invite the Spirit of the Lord to be a shield and a protection to us.”
- L. Tom Perry, “Let Him Do It with Simplicity,” Ensign, Nov 2008, 7–10
This Church has recognized the value of self-esteem in faith and in our daily lives. Marriage is one of the cornerstones of this Church and the gospel, Christ is the other. Low self-esteem affects our existence and place in both. Low self-esteem not only affects how we interact with others in the world, it also affects our faith, because that is “what we are” when we accept low self-esteem and do nothing about it.
Resolving self-esteem issues takes time and requires the right help, even professional help. Be wary of self-help books as most of them advocate selfishness and pride. Rather seek heavenly Father for help and seek the right help through the Church. For those who are not of the LDS Church, seek the right help within your community. If you are married, hopefully your spouse should afford his/her time to support and assist you, after all, the marriage, family, friends and those you help will benefit from it.
If ye have faith, then exercise it with due regard for oneself and for God, because it is as important as the kindly gift we give to another and in how we give this gift matters when it comes to the state of our heart and love for ourselves.
Amen
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